Vampires Suck

Hey It's the Black Eyed Peas!

I wouldn't have watched this if not for a friend who wanted to catch a comedy together, though I must admit I'm still pretty intrigued and amazed at how writer-directors Jason Friedberg and Adam Seltzer managed to continue get money thrown at them to make terrible, unfunny comedies such as sub par works like Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie, Epic Movie and Date Movie, the last which to me was mildly amusing. Gone are the days of the Zucker brothers, and now we're stuck with low-brow efforts like what Friedberg and Seltzer continuously dish out, setting their sights at whatever's popular genre at the moment.

And that of course is the phenomenon we call Twilight, where it's already three films old, and taking its cue from the Harry Potter franchise, decided to split its last book into two films, done squarely for profits. Poking fun at something popular is expected, but to do so in the Friedberg-Seltzer fashion just reeks of desperation. They seem to throw anything and everything into the film, without even due consideration if it's funny, or not. There are plenty of sight gags, innuendos, and just plain badly designed scenes that don't flow from one to another, making it look like a series of school children skits that got strung together, hammering wooden pegs into rounded holes, and jokes that's 99% bad, you'll find more pleasure from experiencing long nails clawed against a chalkboard.

Even more curious is the demographics out to support / watch this film. As I was understandably surrounded by women of all ages who turn out in droves to watch the Twilight movies, I was again equally surrounded by the same demographics for this one in a near full house. Clearly, I don't think they're that vacuous to, for a moment, think that their highly anticipated sequel film had arrived, or even remotely suspect that this is a companion film. I suspect though that for all the spoof movies out there, there's always a great chance that the impersonators of their favourite yummy characters will look equally yummy. Sorry to burst your bubble, but Matt Lanter as Edward Sullen is miles away from Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen even though both cannot act, and Chris Riggi as Jacob White is not Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black even though both share equal number of pronounced abs (hmm... maybe this could be a reason, Team Jacob was actually out supporting this?).

The only thing that was the rare shining light in this film, happens to be Jenn Proske as Becca Crane, who did an awesome job impersonating how Kristen Stewart would play Bella Swan, down to all the subtle nuances that if Stewart decides to leave her role, then the Twilight producers can plonk Proske right in. It's really uncanny watching her ham up the Bella spoof, but do note that I'm not praising her performance either as she's just carbon-copying what another actress had done, although pitch perfect.

I did laugh out loud here and there, but it's laughing at the film in how it got away with the stupidest of jokes and the absurdity at who this project could have been green lit by a Hollywood studio (says a lot, doesn't it?) I hope Friedberg and Seltzer either learn from the best in the comedic business, or quit filmmaking altogether. Vampires Suck sucks. Period. And I'm just feeling dirty having to recount what I had watched, and to craft a review for it.